If you've been in this space with me for awhile, you'll know that my old car (2004 Chevy Impala) was both a blessing and a hardship. Towards the end of its life with me as its owner, it became more of a hardship and was one of the main sources for my constant stream of tears.
I was always really good about doing my own car repairs. It was old enough that the parts were often inexpensive and the YouTube videos were pretty straightforward. I replaced my hazard switch and various fuses; I frequently bought motor oil and knew how/where to add coolant; and I got my heater working and knew exactly where to hit the dashboard to make certain things work or getting weird noises to stop. Did I mention I would intentionally look for speed bumps to go over because that would trigger my blower motor and I'd get the heat or AC I needed? You might be laughing at this point, and that's okay. It was humorous. Most of the time. Until it wasn't.
You see, this was the first car I purchased right out of college. I worked hard in college to be able to buy one when I graduated. I paid for the insurance, gas, most of the repairs (thanks Dad), and oil changes. This car and I had a lot of history together. 8 years in to our relationship, it would randomly not start. I couldn't tell if it was because the weather was getting too cold in Minnesota or if there was a bigger (or smaller) issue. It saw my trusted mechanics three different times over the course of five months and they could find nothing wrong; with the parts or the whole. They ran every diagnostic imaginable, replaced the alternator, gave me a new battery, and it was given a new starter.
I was running out of options.
I started to daily pray over my car; not even kidding a little bit. I had this constant anxiety it wouldn't start when I was out and about and that I'd get stranded at night somewhere. I had to continue to take a step back and look at its parts, in order to see how what kind of care it needed as a whole.
Did it have gas? ✔️
Has the oil been changed? ✔️
Did I need a new alternator? ✔️
Has my starter been replaced? ✔️
Are my engine and transmission still running smoothly? ✔️
Have the electrical guts of my car been looked at? ✔️
The whole of my car was very important, but all of the parts of my car make up its healthy function as a whole.
I've not ever noticed the parallel between my own life and these parts of my car that needed tending to, until this last year when everything felt like it hit the fan.
One specific event sent every area of my life into a spiral, and I began to question just about everything. Yes, the whole of myself felt angry and confused, but the parts that make up who I am (feelings, emotions, physical health, walk with the Lord, relationships) were all screaming for my attention like toddlers! I didn't know which one to pay attention to first.
Holistically I needed healing, yes.
But these individual parts of me needed tending to, first.
Towards the end of October in 2022, I walked into my first in-person therapy session since college.
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