Have you ever desired to be in a season other than the one you're in? Yeah, me too. Sometimes it's felt like I have all of these big dreams, life goals, and unexplainable passions that I can't shake, but the way I thought I was going to see these come to fruition doesn't look anything like it does in the present. This has caused me frustration at times and even doubt, confusion, and and sometimes sadness.
I thought I was going to be over there and I am over here.
I thought I was going to see that literal dream come true that I had in 2018, and nothing.
I thought I was going to use my heart for discipleship in almost every other way but social media (I also get to do other types of in-person and real-people discipleship).
I thought I would get to be a Bible teacher, equipping the next generations.
I thought I would have more pieces published with the tons I've submitted.
I thought things would go my way, in my timing, and how I thought best. HA! Did you catch all the self-centered in that sentence? I'm workin' on it folks.
I had heard this story about Jesus feeding the 5,000 countless times. It was one of those Bible stories you grew up hearing if you were raised in the local church. But this particular time I heard it taught in my Bible Study, it was different. Its focus was still on the miracle that Jesus performed and His abundant provision, but it also had another focus.
The disciple's response to Jesus.
My sister-in-law and I were walking through a Bible study called The Miracles of Jesus, and the video for the upcoming week's content focused on this particular miracle. Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, told Jesus that there was a boy who had 5 barley loaves and 2 fish and then he says, "but what are they for so many?" (John 6:8-9). Meaning, what is that going to do for all of these people here? [Read John 6:1-15 for full context].
If you keep reading in that passage you'll see the incredible miracle Jesus performs and the way He provides for His people, but for this story, we're going to stop here and focus on the fish and loaves.
Jesus knew exactly how He was going to feed this crowd. If you look at verse 6, it says that Jesus asked Philip where they were to buy bread, and he asked to test him; of course Jesus knew what He was going to do and how He was going to provide for this huge crowd.
Jennie Allen, one of the authors of this Bible study, pointed out that the response of the disciples was basically, "This is all we have Lord. These fish and loaves. That's it."
And Jesus took what (little) they did have, and He gave thanks to the Father for it and began to distribute it in abundance to the 5,000. Are your eyes a little misty too? Nope? Just me? That's okay I'm used to it ;)
Whatever (little) we have...Jesus wants it. No matter how small we think it is. No matter how insignificant we think it is. He wants to use what we have. He wants us to surrender what we have. He wants us to trust Him with what we have right in front of us, even if it looks nothing like we thought it would.
Remember all those things I thought I would have, be, or do that I mentioned earlier?
Here's how I see Him using my fish and loaves right now:
I get to minister, serve, and walk alongside high school girls.
I get to lead a Bible study about sex, sexuality, and faith for a group of women.
I get to encourage other women who are also single and use parts of my story to comfort and encourage, and glorify Jesus.
I get to do Bible studies with my sister-in-law over Facetime.
I get to have a relationship with my half siblings in Mexico over WhatsApp.
I get to teach the Bible via my words to you in this blog, on my Instagram, and in the small groups I lead.
I get to write to minister to YOU (and to just simply write because I love it).
He's taken what I've given Him and it doesn't look anything like I thought it would. And I'm not going to wrap this up with a neat bow and say it's all a million times better than I could have ever expected. Because here's the truth: it IS better than what I could have expected, AND, I also still dream big and audaciously.
I still have to choose to trust how He's using what I have; my fishes and my loaves. And if I do get to live out some big dreams I have, I will continue to choose to trust Him and the things I place in His hands for Him to use however He wants.
Because maybe it was never about getting to the endpoint, landing the dream job, or fulfilling a lifelong dream of writing and speaking.
Maybe it's always just been about the continual handing over of my fish and loaves in whatever season I'm in, and watching Him use those things for the good of others and His glory.
I am just the vessel, right?
[Guided Prayer]
Father, thank you for the dreams you've given me. Thank you for the passions and desires you have placed on my heart. Not my will, but yours be done. Use me and the gifts you've given me, how you want. Guide and direct me to opportunities where I can use these gifts, even if they're opportunities I didn't have on my radar. I give you what I do have today. My fish and my loaves. Use it to abundantly bless and serve others and to ultimately bring you glory. More of you, less of me.
In Jesus' name, amen.
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