I never knew it had a name.
I always thought this internal high standard I held for myself was how a lot of people lived. Juggling multiple commitments during the week, never missing a night of leading a small group, attending every church event, meal-prepping every Sunday, staying up late to finish Seminary homework, waking up early to finish Seminary homework, and saying "yes" to every person who asked to grab coffee.
My perfectionism wasn't just outward-focused, it was also inward-focused.
I tried to never say the wrong thing in a social situation. I tried to look put together on the outside even though I was wrestling and spiraling on the inside. I tried really hard to not "fail" in front of other people, especially when I was speaking/teaching in front of a lot of high school and college students. Oof.
If you haven't caught on already, I was holding myself to an impossible standard.
The LORD began to reveal to me that I was striving for:
- A standard I'd never reach.
- An approval of others I was not always guaranteed to gain.
- A badge that proved I was super woman and could do it all.
I wanted life to appear perfect and I wanted others to think it was. I remember praying specifically "Lord, break me of my perfectionism. My need to strive and my need to appear like I have it all together."
The root of all of this: misplaced fear.
I was noticing that my fear was aimed at both my outward and inward performance. I was living from a place of wanting to do everything right, always. Not just in my eyes but in the eyes of others. I wanted to always say the right thing, do the right thing, and be the right friend. I didn't want to mess up in any area of life. I wasn't allowing myself to be human. Talk about a ridiculously high standard I set for myself.
I feared rejection.
I feared I wouldn't have friends who would stick by me in the messiness of life.
I feared I wouldn't be worthy of what God was asking me to do (I'm still not ha).
I feared I wouldn't be lovable if people knew who I really was.
I feared people, other broken humans, more than I feared God.
In her book Get Out of Your Head, author, speaker, and founder of IF:Gathering, Jennie Allen mentioned that at the root of every single lie we believe can be boiled down to three overarching lies, no matter the lie:
I am helpless
I am worthless
I am unlovable
She goes on to say that "every lie we buy into about ourselves, is ultimately rooted in what we believe about God" (Allen, 14, 15).
I believed He couldn't help me with my problems so I strove for perfectionism.
I believed He deemed me unworthy because of my sin so I strove for perfectionism.
I believed He didn't really love me with a Fatherly love so I strove for perfectionism.
The truth is, I was never enough to begin with. I am still not enough. And in my not-enoughness day-in and day-out, I can actually cease from my striving and perfectionistic tendencies, and I can embrace my lack, my weakness, my humanity, my brokenness.
Because He is enough and has always been. He wants me to be dependent on Him. He wants my daily surrender of not-enough. He wants me to live with my hands open. He uses and works through and in sinners like you and me.
Psalm 34 uses the term "fear" five times. Verses 4, 7, 9 (used twice), and 11.
V.4 - David says he sought the LORD and HE delivered him from all his fears.
V.7 - The angel of the LORD (theophany) provides security for those who fear HIM.
V.9 - Fear the LORD. Those who fear HIM lack nothing (not prosperity but provision).
V.11 - David is emphasizing to us that we should have the fear (reverent) of the LORD.
Re-directing misplaced fear takes a lot of work. Living from a place of fear of God over man requires intentionality. Re-directing and living from this place of fear of God does not come naturally to me. In my intentionality, I have found freedom in Christ.
Freedom from perfectionism.
Freedom from fear.
Freedom from others' thoughts and opinions.
Freedom from people-pleasing.
Real reel: it sometimes means I have to choose to not overanalyze what I'm wearing or my outward appearance. Chances are no one else is giving my wardrobe that much thought! Sometimes it means saying to myself "I'm human. I'm going to mess up."
Other times it has meant giving up mirrors (yep...mirrors) so I can get to the root of my negative thinking rather than giving more power to those thoughts. It has meant saying "no" for my own health instead of saying "yes" because of the people pleaser in me. It has meant being 100% transparent with a few trusted friends and letting their love point me to the love with which Christ loves me. Spoiler: I don't have any of this perfected ;) I still have to work at all of this.
One thing that all of this has taught me is that there is immense beauty in weakness. It communicates that we are human, we make mistakes, and the ONLY good thing in all of us is Christ.
"...My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, SO THAT (emphasis mine) the power of Christ may rest upon me." (2 Corinthians 12:9). [Read all of 2 Corinthians 12].
You are not helpless.
You are not unworthy.
You are not unlovable.
You do not have to be perfect.
You do not have to live in fear.
You are set free. Walk free.
[Guided Prayer]
Father, I pray you would free me from perfectionism. I pray you would teach me what it means to walk in your freedom rather than fear. In my weakness you are enough. Your grace is sufficient for me, and any good that dwells in me is only because of you. Show me today that I am not helpless, I am not unworthy, and I am not unlovable. I choose to trust that you are who you say you are, and I am who you say I am. You have set me free. I choose to walk in that freedom today.
In Jesus' Name, amen.
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