How do you put words to deep feelings?
How do you put words to emotions you don't even understand?
How do you put words to thoughts that are swirling around trying to make sense of it all?
It's in these spaces that my tears felt the most seen by God; they were my words. My tears became my prayers, manna, grace, strength and healing. Those moments were sacred between the Lord and me. They were unseen moments of confusion, grief, brokenness, questioning, fear and sorrow.
Coming home from work and crawling into bed in my jeans to cry for 15 minutes before needing to cook or head out the door.
Reciting the same words that are taped to my bathroom mirror, back to the Father, as I brush my teeth through misty eyes.
Going on a run in the cold because I desperately needed to run out my anger, but all that came on that run were hot tears.
Needing to get as low as I can before the Lord to proclaim dependence and surrender; whether that was by my bedside, on the cold bathroom floor, or on my knees on my living room rug.
These were all waves of grief and moments of deeper work taking place that were unseen on the surface. But then again, doesn't the deeper work often take place in those spaces? The unseen, internal workings of our hearts, minds and spirits?
Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance
The stages of grief.
I don't think you have to be going through some huge life-altering thing or processing a death to experience the stages of grief. Obviously, the grief looks different depending on the situation, but you can grieve all sorts of things: loss of a dream, a friendship, a change. I don't meant to use the term flippantly or to diminish those who are legitimately working through some hard grief; what I mean to say is that the circumstance doesn't need to be catastrophic to experience grief.
I was in denial about what could be if I continued down the path of getting answers.
I was angry at God for allowing another health issue to come up in my life.
I was "bargaining" (I use that term loosely) with God in small ways, because I was faced with my humanity.
I was in a depressed-like state about the current realities of my health; recognizing the fact that I would need to seek further answers, tests and treatment, and that doctor's appointments could become a regular part of my life going forward. The sadness and surreal-ness of it all was overwhelming.
I was accepting of what I knew would most likely be the outcome, and started to find my roots; where had I planted them? Whom did I plant them in? Would it get me through this?
Have you been here before too? You're not alone.
"Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord
Jesus Christ; the Father of mercies and God of
all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction,
so that we may be able to comfort those
who are in any affliction, with the comfort
with which we ourselves are comforted
by God."
2 Corinthians 1:3-4
[ Read all of 2 Corinthians 1 ]
He sees. You.
He knows. You.
He hears. You.
He cares. For you.
It's taken me a month and a half to to sit down with a cup of tea to try and articulate the journey these last 7 weeks have been. Sometimes not even words do it justice but words are important and a necessary means of communication, so this is my attempt at finally getting out onto pages, what has been in my head.
I'm not saying the feelings I had just go away, because they don't. They're sometimes still there, BUT...they aren't in charge. They don't rule. And they don't have the final say.
I have felt ALL of the feelings but my foundation is firm; deep, wide, strong, secure, steady, and ROOTED in the person of Christ. He has done a lot of deep work in me throughout this whole healthy journey.
He took the roots I knew I had in Him, and pulled them deeper. He stripped me of all my false senses of security, my need for control, my idols, and my independence.
If there's one thing I've learned in all of the hard and confusion it's this: His heart for me and towards me is good. Not because of answered prayers, but because of how He has shown me who He is.
In our grief, He knows us by name.
In our unseen intimate moments with Him, He firmly and tenderly holds us.
May He use our grief, tears, and deep unseen work to comfort others with the comfort He Himself gave to us.
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