This isn't going where you think it is.
I'm not referring to death as in physical death (absent from the body). The death I'm referring to is the death of personal ideals, expectations, hopes, and dreams. What do we do when life is not turning out how we expected? How do we respond when the things we had planned for our lives in our minds and hearts, sometimes subconsciously, don't come to fruition in the way we expected? Daily small deaths.
This is the death I am referring to. Dramatic? Over the top? No, I don't think so.
You see, I read this book in my undergrad studies titled A Severe Mercy by Sheldon Vanauken. Spoiler: in this book, Sheldon talks about how he has experienced not just the death of his beloved wife, but has also experienced these little deaths along the way, which led him to where he was, come the end of his life. He writes:
"If everything is lost, thanks be to God
If I must see it go, watch it go,
Watch it fade away, die
Thanks be to God that He is all I have
And if I have Him not, I have nothing at all
Nothing at all, only a farewell to the wind
Farewell to the grey sky
Goodbye, God be with you evening October sky.
If all is lost, thanks be to God,
For He is He, and I, I am only I." (Vanauken, 163).
My professor at the time used this part of Sheldon's story to communicate to us that we were never intended to experience death, that is of course until the fall (Genesis 3). Originally, pre-fall, mankind was created to live WITH God forever; He created life to be perfect. No sin, no death, no brokenness, no pain (Psalm 92:15). And then, sin did enter the picture and on this side of eternity we experience death, brokenness, and pain (Romans 1:25).
In his heartbreak, pain, grief, and sorrow, Sheldon gave thanks to God and proclaimed, amidst all of the deaths he experienced, that the Lord was all he had. I would like to think I respond to my daily small and big deaths the way Sheldon did, but I can look back on a number of instances where I did not, and still do not.
The thing that gets me the most are all of the small deaths we encounter each day.
The death of relationships ending.
The death of closed doors.
The death of unmet expectations.
The death of hopes and dreams not coming together how we envisioned.
The death of an ability to do something we love because of an injury or health issue.
The death of all the ideals we imagined of how life would look at this age/season.
Hear my heart with this.
This is not to minimize the big deaths and actual deaths people are facing every single day. This is me acknowledging some of the ways we can also experience other forms of death that can leave us confused, questioning, doubting, hurt, and feeling rejected or alone.
In the face of these daily deaths, how do we hope? How do we keep moving forward mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and physically when it feels like nothing is going as we expected or planned?
I look at and listen to birds. Hear me out on this one.
I spent a handful of months alone in a big house. Like all the way alone. No other human interaction. It was really hard and at times confusing. I wondered why the LORD had me in what felt like a barren, dead, and dark season.
(After this you might actually call me dramatic and I'm okay with that, because according to this new book I'm reading about emotions, I'm what you would classify as "a big feeler.")
I felt like there was no life, light, or hope. I was in a wilderness and I was here to stay for forever. Until.
The LORD in his grace and love, would wake me up every morning before the sun to listen to the birds singing right outside my window. And it was in these moments that He whispered to the deepest parts of my heart, "Daughter, you do not go unseen. I care for the birds! Do you know that you are of much more value to me and that I care for you? I see you. I protect you. I provide for you. And in your anxiousness I am working things out in ways you can't see right now."
"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?" (Matthew 6:26) [Read Matthew 6:25-34 for context of verse 26; addressing anxiousness].
He is whispering the same truths to your heart. Amidst whatever small and big deaths you're facing. And this is how we can have hope amidst death. By seeking His truth in His Word, praying it over ourselves out loud even when we don't feel it, and by proclaiming, like Sheldon, that all we have is the LORD no matter what we face; trusting His heart for us and towards us.
This doesn't mean all works out perfectly.
This doesn't mean we get what we want.
This doesn't mean we get the (our) happy ending.
This does mean we can trust His ways above our own.
This does mean we can trust His plans.
This does mean that at the end of it all we get Him.
Sitting at the table with you, in all of your small and big deaths. You're not alone friend.
He sees the birds. He sees you. And it was never meant to be this way.
[Guided Prayer]
Father, hear my cry, my heart, my emotions. I'm facing the death of _______ today and it feels unbearable. I thought life would look different. I'm confused. I'm sad. I'm feeling alone. Amidst this death I choose to trust you even when, with every fiber of my being, it's incredibly hard. I choose to hope in you, even though some days I don't want to. Give me the eyes to see that you're taking care of me in all of this chaos and confusion.
In Jesus' Name, amen.
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