(Inside my head as an adolescent) "Sexually broken? Who does that pertain to? What does that even mean? Why does my heart beat really fast when someone even mentions sex and brokenness in the same sentence? Am I so broken I’m beyond repair by God Himself? I’m positive I’m the only one.”
The root of sexual brokenness lies in the garden with Adam and Eve. After they sinned, they hid from themselves, from each other, and from God. Sin caused them to experience shame.
They hid because they felt ashamed and embarrassed about what they had done.[1] The response of women (and men) is similar to that of humanity’s first parents.
The sexual brokenness women can sometimes experience are due to placing sexuality in a compartment of its own, isolated from a living bond (as is the case with pornography use and masturbation); when they use their sexuality as a physical release of sexual tension (as is the case with masturbation); and when their sexual inclination leads them away from being in a committed heterosexual relationship.[2]
The physical and sexual changes that take place during puberty are sometimes accompanied by women’s pornography use, or masturbation, and/or a growing sense of same-sex romance. When women are experiencing these changes and the feelings that accompany these changes, she may make some decisions that could be as innocent as curiosity.
But in some cases, what was originally curiosity becomes a habit and, from a Christian perspective, a sin and brokenness from which it seems impossible to break free.
There is a great need to remind women who are experiencing sexual brokenness that they are normal; they’re not weird or disgusting. Their desires are normal, but such women also need to be reminded that their choices to act outside of God’s design (within marriage between a man and a woman) on their desires is the issue.
Pornography, site sex, entices lustful desires people often have and can capture the mind with false images of intimacy. It creates a fantasy world in which they’re able to connect to their deepest fantasies without the possibility of rejection or failure.[3] Using pornography gives women a false picture of real-life sexual intimacy and its meaning.
When a husband and a wife engage in sexual intimacy, their doing so is an external sign of internal commitments to one another. They’re united in one flesh, each as a whole person to the other.[4] Engaging in pornography is the opposite of two-person, in-the-flesh, commitment-based sexual experience. If women are engaged in pornography use for a long time, such use can stimulate them sexually in ways that can alter their brain. The sexual images and ideas can be hard to get out of their mind, and can create barriers to real intimacy.
Masturbation, solo sex, entices lustful (sexual) desires people often have and indulge the flesh with selfish pleasure. Masturbation is typically practiced in connection with sexual fantasy. And engaging in it can lead to a compulsive behavior pattern. Masturbation can also cause problems in a marriage relationship and maladjustment in future sexual roles.[5]
Women engaging in masturbation could be seeking relief from stress or exhaustion, but discovers it provides false long-term relief and is unfulfilling.[6] Because masturbation is usually done in secret by one’s self, it can have an impact on a woman’s mind, actions, and romantic relationships. Using it as sole sexual gratification can be a warning sign of a deeper issue.[7]
Women can sometimes experience same-sex romance and while having desires for those of the same-sex is not a sin, acting on that desire by entering into a same-sex relationship, is. A romantic relationship between two women distorts the image, sacredness, and symbol of a Christ-centered relationship and potential marriage. The Bible, from beginning to end, views heterosexual marriage as God’s intended expression of sexuality.[8] Entering into a homosexual relationship does not communicate a whole picture of marriage in the way God designed it.
As with any sexual brokenness, same-sex romance needs to be approached with grace, compassion, and humility. According to Ephesians 5:32, male/female sexual intimacy is a mystery that pictures Christ and the church; and homosexual behavior does not do so.[9]
Sister, if you’re reading this and feeling discouraged or like there’s no hope for you...take comfort. I have been there. And let me be the first to tell you there is hope, healing, and freedom in the name of Jesus. You may be asking similar questions to the one’s I asked myself when I was an adolescent.
Don’t stop at the question. Take your questions directly to God’s Word and let Him tell you who you are. Confess and repent of sin. Let His grace, blood, and forgiveness wash over your doubts, fears, and shame.
He loves you. Sexually broken and all.
Questions to Consider:
What lies are you telling yourself about your sexual brokenness?
Of the three areas of sexual brokenness, which one do you resonate the most with and why?
Have you confessed and repented?
Do you have local accountability or a few close friends you can confide in with this?
Who does God say you are in His Word? Do you find it easy or hard to believe what God says about you?
_____________________________
[1] Joy Pedrow Skarka, phone interview, October 7, 2019. [2] Lewis B. Smedes, Sex for Christians (Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans, 1994), 29, 30. [3] Dennis P. Hollinger, The Meaning of Sex, Christian Ethics and the Moral Life (Grand Rapids, MI: Baker, 2009), 157. [4] Ibid., 99. [5] Stanley J Grenz, Sexual Ethics An Evangelical Perspective (Louisville, KY: Westminster, 1990), 214. [6] Ibid., 215. [7] Ibid. [8] Lewis B. Smedes, Sex for Christians (Grand Rapids, MI: William B. Eerdmans, 1994), 52. [9] Ibid., 49.
Resources:
1. Phone interview with Joy Pedrow Skarka
2. Sex for Christians by Lewis B. Smedes
3. The Meaning of Sex, Christian Ethics and the Moral Life by Dennis P. Hollinger
4. Sexual Ethics, An Evangelical Perspective by Stanley J. Grenz
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