I sit at my long rectangular dining room table, coffee and tea already consumed, candle lit beside me, and instrumental music in the background.
I wasn't sure when this day would come.
The day where I find the creative space and energy to write again. The day I would get some small ounce of desire to sit uninterrupted and let my fingers brush across the keyboard like I'd never taken a 7-month break. The day where my body and soul are at rest and I feel like I can breathe and use some of that energy to create; write.
I have still been actively writing just not in this space. Not for public consumption. But today...I think is the day.
A lot has happened since I last blogged 7 months ago:
I spent my last summer at Royal Servants Training Camp in Wisconsin, where I have spent every summer since 2009.
I said a lot of "see ya laters" to former co-workers who have known me since I was 17.
I made the decision to step out of full-time vocational Christian ministry.
I had my first ever 12-week Sabbatical.
I overhauled my resume and applied for over 100 jobs.
I landed a new career at public accounting firm as a Marketing Specialist w/ Recruiting.
I started attending a new church (a sister church of the main campus I had been involved in for 8 years).
I have different community and have found it in the most unexpected ways.
I have had doctor appointments that have given me the okay to reduce my medication to 1x/week. (You'd be surprised at how much hormonal and bodily change comes with something as simple as medication reduction.)
I look back at the last 7 months and am filled with grief, hope, sadness, joy, confusion, tenacity, awe, curiousity, heartbreak, confidence, anger, and gratitude. Some things were coming to an end while other things were just beginning. I still had an incredible amount of trauma and anxiety to work through and that affected the needs of my body, mind, emotions, and soul. It all felt disorienting, but I was sure of one thing; take care of myself. Everything else had to wait.
I told my therapist for weeks that I felt like I was in a fog. Nothing made sense, everything had changed (do you see that list above?), who was I if I wasn't a career missionary, and has everything the last 17 years of my life been a complete waste?!
She said some of the most profound things to me, one of them being, "It's ok to let these parts of you sleep for a little while." I got teary-eyed and said, "I know in my bones that I need to, and I am so afraid these parts of me won't ever wake up again."
So, for the last 7 months, I have been doing just that; letting so many parts of me sleep that have needed a rest for a long time. It has been scary and yet it has been the absolute best thing I have ever done. The healing and growth that has taken place has been so painful and so beautiful.
I'm not totally sure when these parts of me that love discipleship, missions, and doing in-depth Bible Studies will come back, and I've learned to be okay with that; I am okay with that. In time, the Lord will make it known and very clear to me what it looks like to step back into those things again, but for now, they're sleeping. I also know when these parts of me do wake up, they'll wake up with a renewed passion and love but in a different capacity.
My therapist also helped me realize that I am still a missionary and I am still me, it just looks different in this season and I am also different. That is a good, healthy, and normal thing. She said it was exciting and I said it was terrifying! Talk about a slight identity crisis.
She often would remind me "God uses everything, He doesn't waste anything."
I may be different (healthier) but I am also still me.
My mission field may have changed but the mission has not.
Parts of me may be sleeping but I am much more alive than I ever was.
I thought about all of you readers on here for the last 7 months and knew that I needed to step back from this space for awhile. It grieved me, but I also knew I would eventually come back. Thanks for sticking with me.
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