All the sessions after my first, feel like a blur. Not because they weren't meaningful or impactful, but because we unpack so much in a small amount of time, it can be challenging to pinpoint just one thing I walk away with; there are usually many things and they're somehow all connected. Wild!
I see her for 55 minutes, once a week, and every time she mentions we're getting close to our time, I blurt out, "How? Didn't I just sit down?" She laughs and says, "Yep! It goes by fast." She opens our sessions by asking me the same three questions every week: How are we feeling today; what went well this week; and what didn't go well this week?
(I'll let you in on a transparent moment for a second...after a few sessions of me responding with "good" to how I was feeling, she responded with, "Good is not a feeling. I won't accept that today. Here is the feelings chart. What are you FEELING?") Cue the tears. She was not wrong. If that's any indicator of how my sessions started out, I hope you can learn from this moment if you decide to pursue therapy yourself ;)
Having someone to see in-person (personal preference), at a set time, and a set place, makes me feel safe. It is the one standing, non-negotiable plan in my schedule each week. Snow, blizzard, rain, or shine...I am there. Recently she said, "Ya know...you can always request a video session if you don't want to drive in this weather." To which I responded, "Thank you. I much prefer in-person." She smiled and said, "Yeah, me too."
All of it can feel scary, overwhelming, daunting, and just downright terrifying at first. Talking to a stranger about some of the things you wish you didn't have to name. Yeah, it can feel scary. The feelings surrounding therapy are completely normal. I felt all of them, too. My experience has been the polar opposite, praise God. I feel calm, reassured, affirmed, confident, secure, safe, and most like me.
I can say the sassy thought and not backtrack it. She's not judging me. (She actually laughed out loud once).
I can let my tears flow freely and not apologize. She empathizes and hears me.
I can show up with my grief and not hide. She brings it into the light even further.
I can express my sadness and not have to explain it away. She gets teary-eyed, too.
I can feel the injustices and just sit in it. She feels and sits with me, and gives me perspective.
This is why I keep going back. Not only do I learn new things about myself, my story, and my life...I can say, let, show, express, and feel without judgment or shame.
This isn't to say that something big and profound happens every time we meet. I am not breaking through layers of walls and busting down metaphorical doors every single session. Sometimes there are new things to talk about it and other times it's just me processing and her giving me tools. I have found it really helpful and beneficial to process life with someone who is trained, licensed, and literally specialized in helping people in different areas.
I actually used to be ashamed to see a therapist (in college). I thought it meant something was REALLY wrong with me, and that just isn't so. If that's you, you're not alone in the feeling.
There's beautiful work to be done even in the moments that seem mundane or ordinary. Not every session is going to be this big "ah-hah" moment. They're there for you in the seemingly small moments of life and the big ones. So, I show up week-in and week-out, with someone who is faithful, consistent, and willing to put in her work of active listening while I put in my work of untangling.
To be heard, seen, loved, and known just as I am.
On her dark blue couch.
Unraveling all of the parts of my story.
Writing a different narrative.
With the permanent residence of the box of Kleenex by my side.
Not once have I apologized for my tears.
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