No amount of books, experiences from others, or therapy sessions could prepare me for life after resigning from a position in vocational Christian ministry. It wasn't just a job, it was how I chose to live my life; on mission for Christ, discipling, mentoring, going to unreached parts of the globe to reach those who had never heard the name of Jesus, and inviting others to be a part of all of that.
To be a part of my life, not just my international and stateside mission work.
My leaving vocational Christian ministry is a story I won't tell for many years in a public space such as this one. It's a story I've processed in private with instrumental people; a story that has held insurmountable grief; and a story that I know God is using, even when I'm sobbing on the couch or the kitchen floor (it still happens).
I still love Jesus.
I still love the body of Christ.
I still love international missions.
I still love discipleship.
I still love studying God's Word and teaching.
And. It was time.
I thought I would resign and never look back, but I've looked back more after resigning. I've actually had to grieve the past in order to heal and be present for my future. And let me be the first to tell you...it is not pretty, glamorous, or even social media post worthy. It is messy, exhausting, draining, lonely, and confusing.
I've uncovered and unearthed.
I've dug up rotted roots and planted healthy ones.
I've brought the darkness into the light.
I've stopped people pleasing and started using my voice.
But when you leave a career in vocational ministry after 14.5 years of knowing nothing else...
No one tells you:
How you feel like a failure (don't worry, I've unpacked this one in therapy folks)
How your identity feels like it shifts, even though you are still you
How the amazing connections you had built are all of a sudden different
How lonely it is
I've also learned there are some other things no one tells you:
Ministry is a way of life; it is not confined to a career in ministry
You can wholeheartedly be devoted to Jesus and pursue a career in other spaces
You aren't selfish or greedy for wanting to live off a salary instead of support
You are not less spiritual because you took time to care for yourself rather than pouring into others
My life has been uprooted in the hardest and best way. While the last 19 months (yes, 19) have been one of the absolute worst, it's also provided some of the deepest healing.
I still look back with deep grief, and that may be the case for a long time. But I also look to the present at ALL the Father is doing RIGHT NOW...and I see.
His hand.
His heart.
His tenderness.
His faithfulness.
His care.
His love.
His justice.
His provision.
His with-ness.
The Lord is near, and I am safe.
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